I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
