my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
