I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
