he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
