If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
