I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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