I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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