You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
