your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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