I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why are your pants in the freezer?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
