she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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