I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
