He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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