dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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