I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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