You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
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im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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