i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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