Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
