Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I have feelings that need drinking.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
