Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
