I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
