I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
