Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
