We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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