Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
