ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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