I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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