She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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