The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
