Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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