Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I deserve this hangover.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
