my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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