Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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