halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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