I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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