i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
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Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
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Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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