I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
