I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
