Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
