Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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