1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
