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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.

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• (212): View more from New York

  he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.

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• (419): View more from Ohio

  had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.

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• (270): View more from Kentucky

  Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...

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• (805): View more from California

  Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!

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• (425): View more from Washington

  Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.

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• (520): View more from Arizona

  Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more

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• (309): View more from Illinois

  Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.

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• (713): View more from Texas

  hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY

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• (262): View more from Wisconsin

  At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.

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