Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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