I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
