just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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