Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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