You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
