Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
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Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
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You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back