So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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