Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
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neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
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Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today