Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.