If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day