here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?