Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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