i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
