At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
