Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
