I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
