Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
