Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
