One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
