where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
